Funny Quotes
Almost as funny as T-rex arms.
ALL QUOTES POPULAR BROWSE BY AUTHOR BROWSE BY SOURCE BROWSE BY TOPIC BROWSE BY SUBJECTFunny Quotes
Get the deets on all the quotes and one-liners that made you snort laugh. Click on any funny quote below to see it in context and find out where it falls on Shmoop's pretentious scale. We'll give you details on who said it, when they said it, and in some cases, why on earth they thought it was okay to say it.
"'Cause you know I love the players, and you love the game."Source: Blank Space | Speaker: Taylor Swift
"All the lonely Starbucks lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane."Source: Blank Space | Speaker: Taylor Swift
"And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"Source: Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! | Speaker: Various Villains
"Any mean thing someone's gonna think of to say about me, I've already said to me, about me. Probably in the last half hour."Source: Girls | Speaker: Hannah Horvath
"Anything. Can be a slam. Poem. If you say it like this."Source: Parks and Recreation | Speaker: Leslie Knope
"But that's life. One minute you're on top of the world. The next minute, some secretary is running you over with a lawnmower."Source: Mad Men | Speaker: Joan Holloway
"Dear frozen yogurt: you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or nothing. Zero stars."Source: Parks and Recreation | Speaker: Ron Swanson
"Does your dog bite?"Source: The Pink Panther Strikes Again | Speaker: Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau
"Face it, girls. I'm older and I have more insurance."Source: Fried Green Tomatoes | Speaker: Evelyn Couch
"He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick"Source: The Perfect Husband | Author: Ogden Nash
"Here's Johnny! (Tonight Show)"Source: The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson | Speaker: Ed McMahon
"Hi, my name is George. I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents."Source: Seinfeld | Speaker: George Costanza
"I could dance with you 'til the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows 'til you came home."Source: Duck Soup | Speaker: Rufus T. Firefly
"I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light."Source: Annie Hall | Speaker: Alvy Singer
"I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood."Source: House of Cards | Speaker: Frank Underwood
"I might love the people upstairs more If only they lived on another floor."Source: The People Upstairs | Author: Ogden Nash
"I proved once and for all that the limb is mightier than the thumb."Source: It Happened One Night | Speaker: Ellie Andrews
"I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things"Source: Parks and Recreation | Speaker: Leslie Knope
"I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."Source: Manhattan | Speaker: Isaac Davis
"I think that I may be the voice of my generation. Or at least a voice. Of a generation."Source: Girls | Speaker: Hannah Horvath
"I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got."Source: Raising Arizona | Speaker: H.I. McDunnough
"I'm also just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her."Source: Notting Hill | Speaker: Anna Scott
"I'm an adult, and I'm responsible. Let's go get some candy."Source: Broad City | Speaker: Abbi Jacobson
"I'm Larry, this is my brother, Darryl, and this is my other brother, Darryl."Source: Newheart | Speaker: Larry
"I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else."Source: Bob's Burgers | Speaker: Tina Belcher
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."Source: "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" | Speaker: Danny Kaye
"If I'm not back in five minutes… just wait longer."Source: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective | Speaker: Ace Ventura
"If you need me, I'll be down here on the floor. Dying."Source: Bob's Burgers | Speaker: Tina Belcher
"In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes."Source: Art exhibit at the Moderna Museet | Author: Andy Warhol
"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."Source: Arsenic and Old Lace | Speaker: Mortimer Brewster
"It keeps going and going and going..."Source: Energizer Commercials | Speaker: Commercial Narrator
"It took more than one man to change my name to Shanghai Lily."Source: Shanghai Express | Speaker: Shanghai Lily
"It's a dog eat dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."Source: Cheers | Speaker: Norm Peterson
"It's better to look at the sky than live there."Source: Breakfast at Tiffany's | Author: Truman Capote
"It's just a jump to the left... and a step to the right."Source: The Timewarp | Speaker: Narrator, The Rocky Horror Picture Show
"It's not the men in your life that counts. It's the life in your men."Source: I'm No Angel | Speaker: Tira
"It's not the years, honey. It's the mileage."Source: Raiders of the Lost Ark | Speaker: Indiana Jones
"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try."Source: The Simpsons | Speaker: Homer Simpson
"Let's go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for this all to blow over."Source: Shaun of the Dead | Speaker: Shaun
"Live from New York; it's Saturday Night!"Source: Saturday Night Live | Speaker: Various Saturday Night Live Cast Members
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"Source: Monty Python's Flying Circus | Speaker: Cardinal Ximénez
"Note to self: After a long day at work, I don't need to see that!"Source: The Comeback | Speaker: Valerie Cherish as Aunt Sassy
"Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white."Source: Mean Girls | Speaker: Gretchen Wieners
"Oh, it's okay. I guess I wasn't meant to have a good life."Source: Bob's Burgers | Speaker: Tina Belcher
"Oh, Moses, Moses, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool."Source: The Ten Commandments | Speaker: Nefretiri
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."Source: Animal Crackers | Speaker: Captain Spaulding
"Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!"Source: Some Like it Hot | Speaker: Sugar Kane Kowalczyk
"Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!"Source: Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo | Speaker: Fairy Godmother
"That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet."Source: Juno | Speaker: Rollo
"The gift of a good liar is making people believe you lack a talent for lying."Source: House of Cards | Speaker: Frank Underwood
"The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle."Source: The Court Jester | Speaker: Hubert Hawkins
"The trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry."Source: The Trouble with Poetry | Author: Billy Collins
"There are some men who don't end every sentence with a proposition."Source: Pillow Talk | Speaker: Jan Morrow
"Up your nose with a rubber hose!"Source: Welcome Back, Kotter | Speaker: Vincent "Vinnie" Barbarino
"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"Source: Sons of the Desert | Speaker: Oliver Hardy
"What do they think I am, dumb or something? Why, I make more money than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!"Source: Singin' in the Rain | Speaker: Lina Lamont
"What he did to Shakespeare we are doing now to Poland."Source: To Be or Not to Be | Speaker: Colonel Ehrhardt
"Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?"Source: Hell's Angels | Speaker: Helen
"Yeah, that's the ticket!"Source: Saturday Night Live | Speaker: Tommy Flanagan, the Pathological Liar
"You are from New York; therefore, you are just naturally interesting."Source: Girls | Speaker: Hannah Horvath
"You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good."Source: Men in Black | Speaker: J