Charon's (Very) Personal Diary

Dear Diary,

Another day on the River Acheron... sigh... bigger sigh... What good is being immortal when your life sucks? No one is ever happy to see me. I guess I can't blame them. The Underworld is a pretty depressing place, so it's not like there's a lot to look forward to at the end of my little boat ride. Why couldn't I be the guy who brings babies or something like that? That would've been much nicer. I can't help but feel like the Fates seriously pulled a fast one on me.

Dear Diary,

Hermes has got to be the most annoying psychopomp I've ever dealt with. Why is he always laughing and flapping around? He thinks he's so funny, and I'd swear my stash of coins is a little lighter when he leaves. Ugh, he makes me sick. He ought to have a little more dignity when he escorts souls down to me.

Now, Thanatos... there's a real psychopomp. He truly understands death. He sees its beauty. Well, he is Death, isn't he? So, I guess that means he sees the beauty of himself. Does that make him conceited? Hmm... Whatever, he's still better than that awful Hermes.

Dear Diary,

Another hero tried to get a ride in my boat today. I just don't get it. Why do they all have to prove themselves by coming down to the Underworld. Heracles, Theseus, Odysseus, Orpheus, Dionysus, Aeneas. Ugh, why can't they just leave me the hades alone? Isn't there something heroic they can be doing in the world of the living where they won't be bothering me?

Dear Diary,

My shoulders ache worse than ever today. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but the older I get, the more my joints complain about the constant rowing. I think I should start asking people for Icy Hot instead of coins. Seriously, there's no wonder they call the River Acheron the river of pain.

Dear Diary,

I'm thinking about getting a sound system put into the boat. Maybe, just maybe, a little music would make things less depressing. I just downloaded a Styx greatest hits album. I'm pretty sure everybody will love it. People are still into Styx, right? Am I that old? Whatever, if Journey is cool again, then Styx shouldn't be too far behind.

Dear Diary,

Heard Hades and Persephone fighting again today. You could hear them screaming all the way on the shore of Acheron. He was roaring like a lion, and she was shrieking like a banshee. Sometimes I think they ought to have their own reality show. Talk about ratings.

All the commotion really freaked out the ghosts waiting to come aboard. They thought it was the sound of souls being punished. I didn't tell them any different. What can I say? Their fear amuses me. Hmmm, maybe it's things like that that give me such a nasty reputation.

Dear Diary,

I really don't know what Lord Hades sees in that dog of his. Cereberus has got to be the ugliest, most ill-tempered creature to ever exist. Seriously, he's got three heads, a mane of snakes, and an awful disposition. And let's not even talk about the farts that beast lets loose. Talk about the fury of hell! I have to say, as annoying as it was when Heracles came down here and hijacked my boat, it was great that he took Cereberus out of the Underworld for a while.

Dear Diary,

I'm heading to the casino out in the Elysians tonight, and I don't care what anybody says. The dead will have to wait. What good is collecting all these coins if I can't have a little fun?

Kronos is always making fun of me because I only play slot machines. Who cares what that old Titan says... He just goes around picking on everybody, because he's still ashamed that his son kicked him off his throne. He's lucky Zeus even let him out of Tartarus.

Tonight, I don't care what anybody thinks. They can all kiss my bony tuchas. I've got a pouch full of coins, and a flask of ambrosia. I'm going to have a good time even if it kills me. And so what if it does? I'll just end up back where I started.