A side-by-side translation of Act 2, Scene 3 of All's Well That Ends Well from the original Shakespeare into modern English.
Original Text |
Translated Text |
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Source: Folger Shakespeare Library | |
Enter Count Bertram, Lafew, and Parolles. LAFEW They say miracles are past, and we have our PAROLLES Why, ’tis the rarest argument of wonder that BERTRAM And so ’tis. LAFEW To be relinquished of the artists— 10 PAROLLES So I say, both of Galen and Paracelsus. LAFEW Of all the learned and authentic fellows— PAROLLES Right, so I say. LAFEW That gave him out incurable— PAROLLES Why, there ’tis. So say I too. 15 LAFEW Not to be helped. PAROLLES Right, as ’twere a man assured of a— LAFEW Uncertain life and sure death. PAROLLES Just. You say well. So would I have said. LAFEW I may truly say it is a novelty to the world. 20 PAROLLES It is indeed. If you will have it in showing, He points to a paper in Lafew’s hand. LAFEW reads A showing of a heavenly effect in an earthly PAROLLES That’s it. I would have said the very same. 25 LAFEW Why, your dolphin is not lustier. ’Fore me, I PAROLLES Nay, ’tis strange, ’tis very strange; that is the LAFEW Very hand of heaven. PAROLLES Ay, so I say. LAFEW In a most weak— PAROLLES And debile minister. Great power, great 35 LAFEW Generally thankful. Enter King, Helen, and Attendants. PAROLLES I would have said it. You say well. Here 40 LAFEW Lustig, as the Dutchman says. I’ll like a maid PAROLLES Mort du vinaigre! Is not this Helen? 45 LAFEW ’Fore God, I think so. KING An Attendant exits. Sit, my preserver, by thy patient’s side, Enter three or four Court Lords. Fair maid, send forth thine eye. This youthful parcel | Back at the royal palace, Lafew and Parolles talk about the king's miraculous recovery. Ever since Helen cured the King, he's been downright frisky (if you know what we mean). Just then, Helen and the King come dancing into the room. Lafew and Parolles can't believe their eyes. The King is thrilled that he's been cured (and that he doesn't have to be carried around on a chair anymore). He invites Helen to sit beside him and says she now gets to choose any husband she wants. The King orders all the hottest and richest bachelors in Paris to line up in a row and tells Helen to go ahead and take her pick. She's earned it. |
HELEN LAFEW, aside KING Peruse them well. HELEN Gentlemen, 65 ALL HELEN KING Make choice and see. HELEN FIRST COURT LORD HELEN Thanks, sir. All the LAFEW, aside I had rather be in this choice than 85 HELEN, to another Lord SECOND COURT LORD HELEN My wish receive, LAFEW, aside Do all they deny her? An they were sons HELEN, to another Lord LAFEW, aside These boys are boys of ice; they’ll none HELEN, to another Lord FOURTH COURT LORD Fair one, I think not so. LAFEW, aside There’s one grape yet. I am sure thy HELEN, to Bertram KING | At this point, Helen takes us through the Shakespearean version of The Bachelorette. She starts by telling the King she's pretty much already made her choice, but then she goes down the line of potential husbands and rejects them one by one anyway. Lafew is totally annoyed with how inept all these guys are. He says they must be English. They can't possibly be Frenchmen. He also says if they were his sons, he'd whip them. Or have them turned into eunuchs. Finally, Helen gets to her crush, Bertram, who she chooses. The king is thrilled, and he announces that Bertram and Helen will be married ASAP. |
BERTRAM KING Know’st thou not, BERTRAM Yes, my good lord, 120 KING BERTRAM KING BERTRAM KING HELEN KING BERTRAM KING Take her by the hand, BERTRAM I take her hand. 190 | Before Helen can call a wedding planner and pick out a big triple-layered wedding cake, though, Bertram speaks up. Why should he have to marry Helen just because she cured the king's nasty fistula? (Hmm. He's got a point there, Shmoopers.) Then Bertram throws a tantrum and insists that Helen's not good enough for him. If he marries her, she'll bring him down. (Okay. Bertram just lost our sympathy vote.) The king orders him to pipe down, or else. Bertram insists that Helen is nothing but a lowly physician's daughter. (In Shakespeare's day, doctors weren't part of the social elite. Bertram is a count, an aristocratic nobleman, and he doesn't want to marry outside his social class.) The king is losing his patience fast. He lectures Bertram about being a snob and promises to make Helen a higher social rank so that Bertram doesn't feel like he's marrying beneath him. To sweeten the pot, the king also promises to give Helen a bunch of money so that she'll be rich. Then he points out that Helen has everything going for her: she's young, crazy smart, and smokin' hot. What else could Bertram ask for? When Bertram declares that he can't and won't love her, Helen says something like, "That's okay, I'm just glad the king is feeling better." But it's not okay with the King. His honor is at stake here. He made a promise and he's going to deliver. At this point, the king loses his cool and basically orders Bertram to marry Helen. Bertram gets on his knees and begs the king's forgiveness. Then he stands up and takes Helen's hand, agreeing to make her his bride. |
KING They exit. Parolles and Lafew stay behind, LAFEW Do you hear, monsieur? A word with you. PAROLLES Your pleasure, sir. LAFEW Your lord and master did well to make his 200 PAROLLES “Recantation”? My “lord”? My “master”? LAFEW Ay. Is it not a language I speak? PAROLLES A most harsh one, and not to be understood LAFEW Are you companion to the Count Rossillion? PAROLLES To any count, to all counts, to what is man. LAFEW To what is count’s man. Count’s master is of PAROLLES You are too old, sir; let it satisfy you, you are 210 LAFEW I must tell thee, sirrah, I write man, to which PAROLLES What I dare too well do, I dare not do. LAFEW I did think thee, for two ordinaries, to be a 215 PAROLLES Hadst thou not the privilege of antiquity LAFEW Do not plunge thyself too far in anger lest thou 225 PAROLLES My lord, you give me most egregious 230 LAFEW Ay, with all my heart, and thou art worthy of it. PAROLLES I have not, my lord, deserved it. LAFEW Yes, good faith, ev’ry dram of it, and I will not PAROLLES Well, I shall be wiser. LAFEW Ev’n as soon as thou canst, for thou hast to PAROLLES My lord, you do me most insupportable LAFEW I would it were hell pains for thy sake, and my He exits. | The King is psyched and wants the wedding to happen right away. Like tonight. Everyone exits the stage except Lafew and Parolles. Lafew refers to Bertram as Parolles's master. Parolles gets all bent out of shape by this. At this, Lafew accuses Parolles of being a poser and a wannabe, acting like he's more noble than he really is. (Parolles seems to be a gentleman that serves Bertram but he refuses to acknowledge that there's any difference between Bertram's rank and his own social status.) Parolles then goes on the offensive. He basically says, "Watch it grandpa, you're way too old and senile to try to pick a fight with me." Lafew says that Parolles is not a man, and proceeds to tell him that he's nothing but a loud mouth jerk who's too afraid to put his money where his mouth is. (We think now's a good time to tell you that Parolles' name literally means "words." Maybe Lafew is onto something here.) Parolles repeats that Lafew is too old to fight, but we sort of get the idea that Parolles is afraid to go toe-to-toe with him. |
PAROLLES Well, thou hast a son shall take this disgrace Enter Lafew. LAFEW Sirrah, your lord and master’s married. There’s PAROLLES I most unfeignedly beseech your Lordship LAFEW Who? God? PAROLLES Ay, sir. PAROLLES This is hard and undeserved measure, my LAFEW Go to, sir. You were beaten in Italy for picking a He exits. | Lafew leaves the room, and Parolles continues to talk trash until Lafew comes back and announces that Bertram and Helen have been married. That was quick. More trash talk ensues. Lafew informs Parolles that, if he were younger, he'd kick his sorry butt all over France. No way, says Parolles. At this, Lafew exits the stage. |
PAROLLES Good, very good! It is so, then. Good, very 280 Enter Bertram Count Rossillion. BERTRAM PAROLLES What’s the matter, sweetheart? BERTRAM PAROLLES What, what, sweetheart? BERTRAM PAROLLES France is a dog-hole, and it no more merits BERTRAM There’s letters from my mother. What th’ PAROLLES Ay, that would be known. To th’ wars, my BERTRAM PAROLLES BERTRAM PAROLLES They exit. | Bertram shows up and immediately begins to act like a drama queen, boo-hooing that he's been forced to marry Helen. He declares he'll never, ever sleep with his new wife. Instead, he's going to run off to fight the war in Italy. Parolles eggs him on and says that staying home and having sex with your "kicky wicky" (wife) is for sissies – real men go off to war. (Hmm. Is it just us, or is this guy channeling Hotspur from Henry IV Part 1?) Bertram decides he's going to trick Helen into going back home to live with his mom, the countess of Roussillon. Then he'll run away to Italy and write the king a letter explaining everything. |