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After Islam put up its feet on North Africa's couch, saying "I think I'll crash here for [Foot crushes couch]

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a couple thousand years"—the poor kingdom of Aksum went kaput.

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Without money from trade revenues, the government didn’t have the cash to fund the necessary [Man scooped up by hand]

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stuff, like armies.

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So eventually local lords got grabby. [Man shooting gun]

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And civil wars, coups, and rebellions ensued.

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Legend says that the death knell for Aksum was a rebel warrior woman named Gudit [Gudit fighting king]

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It’s said that she overthrew the Christian king in the 900s CE and basically wrecked

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the place.

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History is a little foggy on whether this really happened—she supposedly got rid of

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the record-keeping bureaucrats.

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But there probably was a queen ruling the land around that time, and it's a cool story,

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so, uh…we're going with it. [Gudit sitting on throne]

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With Gudit and her descendants in charge, Ethiopia entered a Dark Age where everybody

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said…meh...to writing things down.

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But every age has to end.

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The Ethiopian Dark Ages ended in 1137 when the last of Gudit's descendants got the boot. [Boot kicks away Gudit]

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Who were the new rulers on the block?

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A Christian dynasty called Zagwe which founded the new Ethiopian Empire.

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The Zagwe Dynasty whipped the land back into shape. [Woman performing sit ups]

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And along the way, they built some pretty impressive monuments: the rock churches of

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Lalibela Major pilgrimage sights to this day, these

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churches were carved directly from the stone of the earth. [Man carving church]

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Which is an insane way to build something.

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But TOTALLY awesome.

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Of course, like every dynasty the Zagwe eventually lost their grip. [Zagwe drops Ethiopia]

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Talk about butterfingers.

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The Zagwe were replaced by the Solomonic Dynasty, which claimed to be descended from [Solomonic king and soldiers appear]

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King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba.

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Nobody knows if that was true or not, but again…it sounds good, right?

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Rule of the Ethiopian Empire changed hands plenty over the next 500 years. [Kings tossing Ethiopia]

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But the thing that makes Ethiopia truly remarkable is that, for the most part, it kept itself

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free of foreign rule.

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Muslim invaders tried to step in, but no dice. [Muslims attempt to enter Ethiopia]

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Throughout the ages, Ethiopia stayed…Ethiopian.

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It wasn’t until 1935 that the Italians under Mussolini got close to taking over.

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Still, after a relatively short occupation, the Ethiopians kicked out the Italians with [Boot kicks away Mussolini]

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the help of the British.

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Yeah, modern Italians are good at making pasta, but not so good at… empiring. [Woman holding bowl of pasta]

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Somewhat miraculously, the British actually didn’t stick around…instead letting Ethiopia

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continue to rule itself.

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Ethiopia’s last ruling emperor was Haile Selassie who claimed

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to be descended from the Solomonic Dynasty.

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Oh, and he also managed to inspire the Rastafarian religion, which still worships him as a messiah. [Rastafarian man worshiping Selassie]

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In the 1970’s, Haile was deposed and possibly murdered in a socialist coup, sweeping Ethiopia

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violently into the modern age. [soldiers firing cannons]

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You have to hand it to the Ethiopian Empire, though.

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Despite all the odds against it, it was the longest-lasting African empire, next to Egypt. [Ethiopia on stage]

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And sometimes second place is…still pretty darn impressive. [Audience giving round of applause]

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