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Epic Hero. We certainly hear the word "Epic" bandied

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about a lot these days.

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"Epic Mickey."

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An "epic win."

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And, of course, an "epic fail." But what makes something literally "epic?"

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More specifically, what makes a hero epic? This is Greg.

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Greg is just a regular guy living in Cleveland, Ohio with his parents, Mary and Jim, and his

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younger brother, Michael. Greg's favorite thing to do is play with his

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XBox 360.

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He can kick some major booty on Madden '13. Greg and Michael also like to play baseball.

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Like... real baseball.

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One day, when his parents aren't home, Michael practices throwing Greg a few fastballs in

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the back yard.

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Greg takes a mighty swing... and accidentally breaks a window.

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With his bat. Smooth move, Greg. When the rents get home, Greg blames the broken

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window on Michael.

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Michael... doesn't take it so well. In retaliation, Michael steals Greg's XBox

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controller.

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Oooh... it's on now. Brand new mortal enemies Michael and Greg

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are at each other's throats for the next week.

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Their fight involves atomic wedgies, boxer shorts in the freezer, and cellophane on the

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toilet. The full package. It only ends when Mary and Jim ground both

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boys and force Michael to return the controller. Definitely not an "epic" tale.

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In fact, it might be similar to something that has happened between you and your sibling...

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... and you haven't gotten any calls from Homer recently asking for the rights to your

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life story. Let's see what happens when we put Greg and

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Michael through the EPIC machine. The epic machine takes ordinary people and

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situations...

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... and makes them larger than life... by adding the elements of an epic.

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This is Prince Greg.

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He is the heir to the Kingdom of Clevelandia<<cleave-land-ee-uh>>...

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... son of King James and Queen Mary, and older brother to Prince Michael.

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Prince Greg's prized possession is his family's ancestral scepter...

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... a magical device that enables him to control the movements of everyone around him.

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It's especially fun to use when someone's on the john.

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One day, when Michael and Greg are fencing...

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... Greg's hand slips...

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... and he accidentally kills his father's favorite servant who is standing nearby.

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Greg is afraid of his father's hot temper...

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...and blames the servant's death on Michael. Michael is angry. Like... someone else ate

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your last piece of Halloween candy angry.

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In retaliation, he steals the magical sceptre and spirits it to the Underworld.

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Without the magical scepter...

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...the kingdom of Cleavelandia is unable to defend itself from its enemies...

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... a band of marauding trolls...

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...with really bad breath. Greg embarks on a quest to the Underworld

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to find the magical sceptre.

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He makes sure to pack an extra pair of shorts, because it can get pretty hot down there. 

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The goddess of the Underworld returns the sceptre to Greg as a reward for overcoming

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all of the obstacles on the way...

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... including a stream of fire, man-eating birds with the heads of dragons, and a field

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of tranquilizing fruit.

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Greg still regrets drinking that entire tranquilizing fruit smoothie.

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The goddess of the Underworld informs Greg of Michael's treachery.

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Greg returns home a hero.

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He kills Michael after revealing what he has done, earning the praise of his father.

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Guess everyone forgot who started this whole mess with his butterfingers.

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Now that was an epic story.

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It had all the elements -- a noble hero, otherworldly stuff going on, a quest...

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...and just a little splash of tragedy.

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Notably absent? Wedgies and noogies. They don't really say "epic" to us.

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