The Merry Wives of Windsor: Act 1, Scene 3 Translation

A side-by-side translation of Act 1, Scene 3 of The Merry Wives of Windsor from the original Shakespeare into modern English.

  Original Text

 Translated Text

  Source: Folger Shakespeare Library

Enter Sir John Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol,
and Robin, Falstaff’s Page.

FALSTAFF Mine Host of the Garter!

HOST
What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and
wisely.

FALSTAFF
Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of
my followers. 5

HOST Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag;
trot, trot.

FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.

HOST
Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and
Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw, 10
he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?

FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine Host.

HOST I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee
froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow.

Host exits.

FALSTAFF
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good 15
trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered
servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.

BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.

PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot
wield?  20

Bardolph exits.

NYM
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor
conceited?

FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox.
His thefts were too open. His filching was like an
unskillful singer; he kept not time. 25

NYM
The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.

PISTOL
“Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico
for the phrase!

FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.

PISTOL Why, then, let kibes ensue. 30

FALSTAFF
There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I
must shift.

PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.

Later on, Falstaff and company chill out at the Garter Inn. (Windsor's version of a local sports bar.)

Falstaff confides to the Host of the Garter Inn that he's completely broke.

Brain Snack: In Elizabethan England, being a knight didn't necessarily = being a baller. In fact, lots of members of the nobility (aristocrats who didn't work for a living) had very little money. We talk about this more in "Themes: Society and Class."

Since Falstaff can't afford to pay a bunch of servants, he has to get rid of one of his toadies. He decides to fire Bardolph because the guy's a lousy thief who's always getting caught and making Falstaff look bad.

The Host is feeling generous so he gives Bardolph a job as a "tapster" at the Inn. (A "tapster" is basically a bartender.)

Pistol and Nym crack some jokes about how awesome it is that Bardolph's going to be serving cocktails since the guy loves to drink so much. Plus, his parents conceived him when they were rip-roaring drunk, which—TMI, folks.

FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?

PISTOL
I ken the wight. He is of substance good. 35

FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am
about.

PISTOL
Two yards and more.

FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the
waist two yards about, but I am now about no 40
waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She
discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation.
I can construe the action of her familiar style;
and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished 45
rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”

PISTOL, aside to Nym He hath studied her will and
translated her will—out of honesty into English.

NYM, aside to Pistol
The anchor is deep. Will that
humor pass? 50

FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of
her husband’s purse. He hath a legion of angels.

PISTOL, aside to Nym As many devils entertain, and
“To her, boy,” say I.

NYM, aside to Pistol 

The humor rises; it is good. 55
Humor me the angels.

FALSTAFF, showing two papers 
I have writ me here a
letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who
even now gave me good eyes too, examined my
parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes 60
the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes
my portly belly.

PISTOL, aside to Nym Then did the sun on dunghill
shine.

NYM, aside to Pistol
I thank thee for that humor. 65

FALSTAFF O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with
such a greedy intention that the appetite of her
eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.
Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse
too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. 70
I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress
Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.

Pistol and Nym bag on Falstaff for being so fat. 

Falstaff is okay with this. He ignores their taunts and gets down to business. It's not enough to fire Bardolph. Like he said, he's got to "cony-catch" (aka be a con man) if he's going to survive in this tough economy.

His plan involves two middle-class housewives—Mistress Page and Mistress Ford. Since both wives have access to their husband's money, Falstaff plans to seduce them both.

We find out that Falstaff has channeled his inner 7th grader by writing a couple of cheesy love notes to the wives.

Falstaff claims that both women have been checking out his sexy "parts" (especially his "portly belly") and undressing him with their eyes.

He compares Mistress Page to "Guiana, all gold and bounty." Translation: Falstaff thinks that his sexual conquest of a rich housewife will be a lot like a New World Conquest. Go to "Symbols" and we'll tell you more about this.

To put his plan into action, he just needs Pistol and Nym to deliver his letters to the ladies. 

PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!

NYM, to Falstaff I will run no base humor. Here, take
the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of
reputation. 80

FALSTAFF, giving papers to Robin
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go,
Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humor of the age: 85
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.

Falstaff and Robin exit.

PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam
holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, 90
Base Phrygian Turk!

NYM
I have operations which be humors of revenge.

PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?

NYM
By welkin and her star!

PISTOL
With wit or steel? 95

NYM
With both the humors, I. I will discuss the
humor of this love to Ford.

PISTOL
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold, 100
And his soft couch defile.

NYM
My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to
deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness,
for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is
my true humor. 105

PISTOL
Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second
thee. Troop on.

They exit.

Pistol and Nym refuse to deliver Falstaff's letters to the wives, so Falstaff has his errand boy (Robin) do his dirty work.

After Falstaff leaves, Pistol and Nym decide to snitch him out to Master Ford and Master Page.