Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio, Angelo the goldsmith, and Balthasar the merchant. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all; My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours. Say that I lingered with you at your shop To see the making of her carcanet, And that tomorrow you will bring it home. 5 But here’s a villain that would face me down He met me on the mart, and that I beat him And charged him with a thousand marks in gold, And that I did deny my wife and house.— Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this? 10 DROMIO OF EPHESUS Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know. That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show; If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave were ink, 15 Your own handwriting would tell you what I think. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS I think thou art an ass. DROMIO OF EPHESUS Marry, so it doth appear By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear. I should kick being kicked and, being at that pass, 20 You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You’re sad, Signior Balthasar. Pray God our cheer May answer my goodwill and your good welcome here. BALTHASAR I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome 25 dear. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS O Signior Balthasar, either at flesh or fish A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish. BALTHASAR Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords. 30 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words. BALTHASAR Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest. 35 But though my cates be mean, take them in good part. Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart. He attempts to open the door. But soft! My door is locked. To Dromio. Go, bid 40 them let us in. | E. Antipholus meets with Angelo, a goldsmith who's making Adriana a necklace (remember the necklace?). He notes that he’s late for dinner, which means his wife will be "shrewish," so he asks Angelo to vouch for him and say he's late because he's been consulting with him about the jewelry. E. Antipholus then complains about E. Dromio, who keeps insisting that he (E. Antipholus) gave him a beating in the marketplace, which he absolutely did not...though E. Dromio is bruised. (It was S. Antipholus! Remember?) E. Dromio won’t give in, so E. Antipholus calls him an ass. The conversation turns to the Merchant Balthazar, who’s looking rather serious. Balthazar and E. Antipholus then have a witty exchange about a dinner invitation. Balthazar says he’s more pleased by the invitation than he is about the food, as meat is cheap. E. Antipholus quips that meat may be cheap, but words are even cheaper. Still, Balthazar is welcome at his house, and dinner will be delicious. Or, it would be...if he could get into his house. But he can't because the gate is locked. |
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Maud, Bridget, Marian, Ciceley, Gillian, Ginn! DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch! Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch. 45 Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door. DROMIO OF EPHESUS What patch is made our porter? My master stays in 50 the street. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on ’s feet. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Who talks within there? Ho, open the door. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within Right, sir, I’ll tell you when an you’ll tell me 55 wherefore. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Wherefore? For my dinner. I have not dined today. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within Nor today here you must not. Come again when you may. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I 60 owe? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio. DROMIO OF EPHESUS O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name! 65 The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame. If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place, Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name, or thy name for an ass. 70 Enter Luce above, unseen by Antipholus of Ephesus and his company. LUCE What a coil is there, Dromio! Who are those at the gate? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Let my master in, Luce. LUCE Faith, no, he comes too late, And so tell your master. 75 DROMIO OF EPHESUS O Lord, I must laugh. Have at you with a proverb: shall I set in my staff? LUCE Have at you with another: that’s—When, can you tell? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within If thy name be called “Luce,” Luce, thou hast 80 answered him well. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, to Luce Do you hear, you minion? You’ll let us in, I hope? LUCE I thought to have asked you. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within And you said no. DROMIO OF EPHESUS So, come help. Well struck! There was blow for 85 blow. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, to Luce Thou baggage, let me in. LUCE Can you tell for whose sake? DROMIO OF EPHESUS Master, knock the door hard. LUCE Let him knock till it ache. 90 ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down. He beats on the door. LUCE What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town? | What ensues at the gates is a long, confused exchange. S. Dromio guards the gate of E. Antipholus’s house from the inside (so he can’t see who’s outside the door, or else he’d recognize his and his master’s identical twins). Adriana instructed him to let nobody in, so S. Dromio feels justified in having some fun with the guys outside. E. Dromio and E. Antipholus wonder who on earth is guarding the gate and why he wouldn’t let the owner of the house in. When they ask who this mystery guard is, S. Dromio truthfully replies that his name is Dromio. This, of course, confuses E. Dromio, who decides his identity has been stolen. Matters are made worse when another servant, Luce, backs up S. Dromio from inside the gate. E. Antipholus assures all the minions they'll pay for this insubordination when he breaks down the gate, which he's about to do. |
Enter Adriana, above, unseen by Antipholus of Ephesus and his company. ADRIANA Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise? DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly 95 boys. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Are you there, wife? You might have come before. ADRIANA Your wife, sir knave? Go, get you from the door. Adriana and Luce exit. DROMIO OF EPHESUS If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore. 100 ANGELO, to Antipholus of Ephesus Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome. We would fain have either. BALTHASAR In debating which was best, we shall part with neither. DROMIO OF EPHESUS They stand at the door, master. Bid them welcome 105 hither. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in. DROMIO OF EPHESUS You would say so, master, if your garments were thin. 110 Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold. It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Go, fetch me something. I’ll break ope the gate. 115 DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate. DROMIO OF EPHESUS A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind, Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not 120 behind. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within It seems thou want’st breaking. Out upon thee, hind! DROMIO OF EPHESUS Here’s too much “Out upon thee!” I pray thee, let me in. DROMIO OF SYRACUSE, within Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no 125 fin. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, to Dromio of Ephesus Well, I’ll break in. Go, borrow me a crow. DROMIO OF EPHESUS A crow without feather? Master, mean you so? For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather.— 130 If a crow help us in, sirrah, well pluck a crow together. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Go, get thee gone. Fetch me an iron crow. BALTHASAR Have patience, sir. O, let it not be so. Herein you war against your reputation, 135 And draw within the compass of suspect Th’ unviolated honor of your wife. Once this: your long experience of her wisdom, Her sober virtue, years, and modesty Plead on her part some cause to you unknown. 140 And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse Why at this time the doors are made against you. Be ruled by me; depart in patience, And let us to the Tiger all to dinner, And about evening come yourself alone 145 To know the reason of this strange restraint. If by strong hand you offer to break in Now in the stirring passage of the day, A vulgar comment will be made of it; And that supposèd by the common rout 150 Against your yet ungallèd estimation That may with foul intrusion enter in And dwell upon your grave when you are dead; For slander lives upon succession, Forever housèd where it gets possession. 155 | The confusion continues to increase: Adriana herself has come to the gate. She can’t see who the men outside the gate are, but one insists that he’s her husband (which he is). Adriana thinks her husband is inside, so she won’t let them in either. Finally, E. Antipholus has had enough, and gets ready to break down his own door. Balthazar pierces the madness as the voice of reason. He says that if E. Antipholus makes a scene by breaking down his own door, he’ll only be hurting his own reputation by casting suspicion on the faithfulness of his wife. (Like, why is she locking him out, and who’s she locking herself in with?) Balthazar’s says E. Antipholus’s wife is a good woman, so she’s sure to have a good explanation for locking him out. Until they find out what Adriana’s good excuse is, they should go to the Tiger and have some dinner. |
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS You have prevailed. I will depart in quiet And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry. I know a wench of excellent discourse, Pretty and witty, wild and yet, too, gentle. There will we dine. This woman that I mean, 160 My wife—but, I protest, without desert— Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal; To her will we to dinner. To Angelo. Get you home And fetch the chain; by this, I know, ’tis made. Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine, 165 For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow— Be it for nothing but to spite my wife— Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste. Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me, I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me. 170 ANGELO I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence. ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense. They exit. | E. Antipholus decides that going out to eat is a good idea, and he knows where they can go. There's a nice woman at the Porpentine that his wife has accused him of being unfaithful with before. He hasn't been, of course, but hey—she is pretty cute. He then tells Angelo to go get the necklace. He's going to give it to this other woman to get back at his wife for not letting him in. |