Common App 5: Accomplishment or Event

The Prompt

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

The Essay

Introduction

His name was Eric Ramirez: fifteen years old with an unblemished, peach-fuzz face of innocence. Most fifteen-year-old boys worry about chasing girls and wearing the right clothes; Eric Ramirez, along with so many young boys in Violencia, California, worried about surviving high school.

To many, Eric Ramirez is just another statistic, a footnote in the bloody gang history of this place. I knew him, though. We were partners one time in health class. I didn't know him enough to mourn, or even go to his funeral. As cliché as it sounds, whoever said death changes people must have known what they were talking about. I used to think it just made people sad, but it's actually just a huge reality check.

Body

I remember when I found out about Eric's death. My peers and I filed past the security guards and barbed wire fence on a regular Tuesday morning. At first, nothing was unusual about that day, but I did notice a group of girls wearing matching airbrushed t-shirts; I couldn't quite make out the lettering at the time. I eventually found out that they said "Remember Eric."

The principal didn't say anything about Eric in the morning announcements like the time those girls died in a car crash. They didn't offer school-wide counseling this time either. I found out through a classmate. Eric was walking with his friend down the street when two girls of a rival gang approached them. Without a word, one of them took out a knife. Eric's friend ran in the other direction, but Eric wasn't so lucky. I don't know the details, and I assume they won't cover it in the news.

I was nothing like Eric. At fifteen, I played Super Mario and wore the same sweatshirt every day. I rode my mountain bike to school and let my mom give me haircuts. I had an average of high C's and low B's, but that's only because I didn't really care. School wasn't important to me. I was just a dumb kid. My friends were pretty much the same, yet one by one, my circle of friends was getting smaller. The temptation must have been too great for them.

The day I found out about Eric was the day I started thinking seriously about my future. Was I going to be another dumb kid who didn't care? Or was I going to get my act together and stay as far away from that lifestyle as possible?

I'm sure you can guess which way I went. I transferred to GATE as soon as I could, which qualified me for Honors and AP classes the following year. I also joined orchestra, took woodshop, and I found out I have an artistic side. My English teacher even entered a few of my poems into some writing competitions. My GPA is still a bit wounded from freshman year, but a weighted average of 3.8 isn't so bad.

Conclusion

I see Eric Ramirez everywhere I go. I see him in all the young, hooded men walking down the street wearing bandanas of a certain color. I think about these men and Eric, and I'm reminded: it could have been me. I look at my two older brothers, who are more like Eric than I am, and I'm reminded: it more easily could have been them. It probably was almost them a few times. It could have so easily been me, too.

So why wasn't it me?

I don't have a good answer to that question. I guess I had the right friends and the right teachers. I guess I watched the right TV shows and played the right video games. I don't know. At fifteen, my lifestyle wasn't something I consciously chose. I had no idea what I was doing. On that blurry Tuesday, as my classmates solemnly went about their day, I had this realization—I'm lucky. And I'm especially lucky that I figured this out before it was too late.

And for that, I'll always be grateful to Eric Ramirez.

Why This Essay Works

We'll tell you why this essay works: it's moving, intense, and emotive without being heavy, over-the-top, and dramatic. The author draws us in with their introductory paragraph—who is Eric Ramirez? What happened to him? We're intrigued; tell us more.

The paragraphs are well-organized and they flow into each other well. We end up getting a good idea of the author's life and how they experienced growth.

The answer to the prompt is subtle: Eric Ramirez' death acted as a catalyst for the author's growth. The author didn't use any of the text from the prompt in their essay. Admissions officers have to read the same words over and over again, Shmoopers. Give 'em something to connect the dots with. They can handle it.

How the author answered the prompt was also excellent. A cliché is mentioned in the introduction, but knowingly. How a young boy's death managed to help this author's life is a very interesting focus—and totally not cliché.

This language in this essay shows that the author is…

• Insightful
• Mature
• Grounded
• Self-aware
• Honest

Want your rhetoric as smooth as this? Check out our Shmoop Grammar Guide.

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